Thursday, August 16, 2007

Grown Up

Lately we’ve been contemplating and flip flopping about moving and changing jobs just to shake things up a bit. The tough part about this is that there’s no reason for it and definitely wouldn’t get us closer to our ultimate goal, self employment. So after many, many conversations about where we could move, what jobs we could do and how long it would take for us to get bored there and do it all over again Wife and I realized that we needed to stay put, save our money and get ourselves out of debt. This however is far easier said than done. The problem we’re faced with is that I’m the youngest and never have been good with money and Wifecame from a household of psychopaths that made you feel like you weren’t good enough for new things and that if you did get something new you damn well had better appreciate it…so you add these two pieces together and you have my easy going whim of lets just spend until there’s nothing left to spend and Wife’s ingrained desire for new and better things just to prove that she’s not becoming her mother. Not the best combo for saving money, getting out of debt and moving on to our new life of self employed do nothings…

Everyday I drive into work and pass my old high school and watch those kids with envy. So care free, so unaware and just so stupid…I say stupid because I remember what I used to think when I was that age, walking up and down those very same halls. Nothing to worry about because when I left there at 18 I was going to do something I absolutely loved, something that I was passionate about, something that would allow me to continue with my care free out look. Oh man how times have changed…I’m definitely not doing something I love and I am most certainly not passionate about it.

I chalk this all up to the fact that I’ve never really been passionate about something. Years and years of guidance counselors telling me that one day I’d wake up with that burning desire and understanding of my purpose in life and on that day I would know who I was. Well here I am 12 years later and all I know is that they were full of shit man…I am no closer to waking up with that kind of insight than I am at turning wool into gold.

I think the only refuge of hope for a better future is left in my woodwork. I would say that when I’m in the work shop that, that is the closest I have ever been to being passionate about work.

I do honestly believe that this is where I need to focus my life, but it’s difficult…it’s not an easy buck and it definitely takes time to move from the cloudy inspiration in my head to a finished product. Then there’s the fact that I still have to pay those nasty bills like the mortgage and car payments, all of which serve to keep me from spending necessary time in the shop.

So here I am 12 years later and I’m still a confused and frightened 18 year old looking for some light at the end of the tunnel. Torn between making ends meet in a job that I detest and struggling to find an outlet in the work shop. If we could only win that Power Ball jackpot, life would be so much easier…

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